He was in the delivery room when wife Carla gave birth to their first child, and says there was an emotional disconnect.  'In the movies, when people have kids, they're welcomed into the world with a cracking fusillade of manly backslapping and tears. It's one of life's BIG events. I just felt weird,' he wrote in his new book The Reluctant Father.'I was never particularly interested in having kids,' Toledano wrote. He says he liked them in the 'abstract' sense, but avoided his friends' kids like 'radioactive material'. As a way to deal with a new kid of his own, Toledano documented Loulou with a camera - from shut-eyed infant to curious toddler. That feeling of detachment continued into early months when Loulou mostly ate and slept and it was like having a 'relationship with a sea-sponge, or a single-cell protozoa.' But what was worse was explaining his detachment to friends - going against the cultural norm that he be overjoyed by fatherhood. 'When I told people I didn't like it very much, their faces would wrinkle like a walnut,' Toledano wrote. And there was a lot of things he didn't like about being a dad, like losing the world he created with his wife. 'You have to construct a new world between the two of you and that's sort of unexpected in a way,' he said. 'We were no longer number one to each other - the kid is number one.'He also found it hard to deal with the public scenes a small child caused, something he attributes to his English-upbringing And then there were all the multicolored accessories that come with a new baby. 'Are there any toys available that don't make you feel seasick, or make you convulse like a landed flounder?' he asked.Tolendano channeled all his 'baby rage' into making plates of Loulou, using a particularly funny picture of her whaling - much to the dismay of his wife. 'When people asked to see a picture of Loulou, that's the picture I would show people. They would get mad, and my wife would get mad. But during the first year, that's what a baby looks like most of the time - crying and screaming.'Toledano says he's even used the picture to make tote bags and balloons, he loves it so much. 'It's more realistic than one of those Anne Geddes pictures of a baby popping their head out of a casserole pot.' Things started to change when Loulou became more relateable, like finding something funny. Toledano remembers one specific moment when he was teasing Loulou, and to his surprise she teased him back.'I realized we had this common language, and it sounds silly but it was very emotional,' he told MailOnline. From there on out, Toledano says fatherhood became more natural - a sentiment that's reflected in his photography. While the earlier images frame Loulou in a stark, almost alien way, as she grows the pictures become noticeably warmer. Today, Loulou is four and a half, and Toledano has gone from a new dad in over his head into a proud papa. 'I've turned into one of those people who say their kid's special, but I kind of don't mind it so much now,' Toledano said. These days, Toledano loves spending time drawing and making things with Loulou. 'My father was an artist and I'm an artist so it makes me happy to think that some artistic gene has been handed down.' After publishing the book, Toledano says he received several emails from both men and women who felt similarly after their first child.'I think almost all the fathers I spoke to felt like they couldn't have a frank discussion with their wives or other people about it and I think it's kind of sad that you can't be open like that.' Receiving those emails was a great feeling for Toledano, who feels like it may have helped in some small way to open up a dialogue about being a new parent. 'It's like I've accidentally done something that's useful, which is nice because as an artist what you do is not always particularly useful.'Toledano says he's showed Loulou the book and the plates and she 'finds it all very entertaining'.At some point he plans to explain the book to her fuller, so she understands the emotion behind his early months of fatherhood. 'Some people say she's going to be traumatized, but I don't think so because her only memories of me are of a father who loved her very much,' he said. 'It's not that I didn't love her or didn't want her, I just didn't understand the idea of her.' You can buy Toledano's book, The Reluctant Father, on Amazon.(dailymail.co.uk)ANN.Az