The five stages of love: let’s get real

But still, there comes a point where you have to move past the clichéd songs and soppy movies and get real about the compromises and adjustments that come with any decent long term relationship.Dating website eHarmony has “revealed” that we move through five stages of love – but they read more like the five scenes in a rom com. According to a psychological study of British couples, we’re all transitioning from “butterflies” to “building”, followed by “assimilation”, “honesty” and “stability”.If anyone can’t recall the “building” phase of their relationship but does remember overdoing the Dutch courage in a bid to make a move, you’re not alone. Here’s a more realistic version of the five stages of love.Obsessive day-dreamingSomeone catches your eye. Maybe they make a funny joke, perhaps they’re the only one to laugh at your not-so-funny joke. You begin to imagine their entire life story based on that one small fragment – a snippet of a personality that will become the basis for an entire relationship. Productivity plummets and you’re late everywhere because you’re far too busy dreaming of your love to pay attention to trivial matters like the time. Whole evenings are devoted to Facebook browsing – let’s face it, that’s what Facebook was made for – and you uncover minor scraps of information that would elude the most sophisticated detectives. Soon you have a detailed map of their life in your mind and have to feign ignorance when they mention their best friend Matt or holiday in Bermuda.Embarrassingly gushyThe early stages of a relationship are private for a reason – they are too sickeningly embarrassing for anyone else to bear. Once you’ve given up on faux-nonchalance, thrown off the pretence that you’re “not really looking for a relationship” and admitted that you both really do like each other – enough for the “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” titles – then the cutesy wutsey stuff begins. Perhaps it starts off fairly low-key, with a chocolate treat delivered after work or an unnecessary gift for Halloween or daylight saving time. But soon you slip into pet names – baby if you’re lucky, or mouseywoo if you develop an unfortunate personal joke. You text 12 times an hour and won’t shut up about your significant other. This phase is known by psychologists as “limerence” and recognisable by symptoms of fanatical romantic infatuation.BickeringAt some point, your significant other’s refusal to wipe the bathroom floor stops being an adorable quirk and starts to seem annoying. The first fight is almost romantic – you disagree, have a little cry and then fall back into each others’ arms. But two people spending the bulk of their free time together will inevitable discover some small clash – a stumbling block in the other’s personality – that comes up time and again. As you become more familiar and see each other in those stressful moments after work, bickering becomes a standard feature of your relationship.Date nightsYou’ve realised that he’s a deep sleeper, fought about stealing the covers and finally bought a second blanket and agreed to never mention it. Once compromises cool the spate of arguments, it’s the time to put the romance back into your relationship. Coming home and ranting to each other about your days may be tempting, but it’s not a fulfilling way to communicate. This is where Date Night comes in.Following such romantic role models as the Prime Minister, you’re now one of those couples who “make time for each other” and plan special evenings. Perhaps you even take it in turns to organise, so he comes to the theatre with you one night and you accompany him to a friend’s drinks the next. Nobody ever strummed on their guitar and hummed a few verses about Date Night, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be a lovely evening. And once in a while, when the stars come out and you get tickets to an outdoor concert, it’s just as special as those first few dates.The real dealNow it’s time for the big question: are you going to be together forever? Limerence has long ago worn off and you know that their eyes aren’t made from stardust and their heart built from the dreams of pixies. But somehow, despite all the faults and annoyances, they’re still your best friend. You may be woken up by a fight over the covers rather than a kiss on the forehead, but you’d rather a fight with them than kiss anybody else in the world.Real love is messy, so don’t worry if your relationship doesn’t match up to the Hollywood ideal. After all, the celebrity divorce rate is close to 80 per cent – which is worth remembering the next time you sit down to a cloying rom com.(telegraph.co.uk)Bakudaily.Az