My ex emotionally abused me for years

I’ve recently come out of a violent marriage and it’s perhaps unsurprising that it took me, my friends and family so long to work out that my relationship was abusive. The phrase “domestic violence” often evokes images of weak women and thuggish men. We don’t fit that stereotype, my ex and I.Last year, my ex-husband subjected me to threats and intimidation so serious that I went into hiding with our child 100 miles from our home. Only the week before, an acquaintance had described us at a dinner party as the perfect couple.An idea prevails that domestic violence victims must be stupid to stay in relationships. But abuse happens gradually. In my case, it wasn’t about getting beaten every now and again. Abuse takes numerous forms, as terrifying as physical violence if not more so, including emotional, psychological and financial. Five years into my marriage, aspects of my ex’s behaviour I’d perceived as expressions of insecurity, such as his critical manner, angry outbursts and monitoring of my movements, became more sinister. I was subjected to routine verbal abuse, locked in and out of the home, and denied access to joint bank accounts, leaving me and our young child without cash.At the height of our personal dramas, I found myself thinking up survival strategies. How do I escape from a home I have been locked inside with no access to a phone? Where do I go when I am locked outside for the night? What do I feed our child when my husband has cut up every bank card I own? And when I have planned my escape, how do I pull it off? Where do I hide?I followed the expected conventions of trying hard to mend our relationship. Meanwhile, my ex-husband charmed friends, neighbours, teachers and even a Relate counsellor. A week before I called the police in fear of my life, he told me he was committed to change.A woman’s refuge worker who supported me likened emotional abuse in relationships to conditions faced by prisoners of war, including isolation and captivity, limits on communication and mental cruelty. While I don’t necessarily believe my ex-husband should go to prison for his behaviour, I do think the legal system needs an overhaul if women like me are to be properly supported.I first became aware of the implications of seeking legal redress after I fled my home with our child. After several weeks of crashing on friends’ sofas, I wanted to return to the family home. But of course my ex refused to leave.So much for the rights of children – property law holds far more sway. I soon discovered that my ex had more rights to the property than his homeless child. I scrabbled the money together to take legal action in the form of an occupation order and injunction, which thankfully was granted. I also received invaluable support from my local women’s centre. But I’m aware that many victims aren’t so lucky, since legal aid has been cut and women’s services are closing.A few months ago, I was taken to court by my ex-husband. He decided he wanted shared care of our young child, which I disputed. I have always been the primary carer and my ex showed little interest in practical childcare when we were together or after our separation. The judge asked why I didn’t sit down with the man who had abused me so that we could work out our differences through mediation. He peered down at us as if we were two naughty schoolchildren.It seems that because I made the mistake of entering into a relationship with this witty, educated, attractive man who failed to show signs of being abusive when we first met, the fact that we bought a home, got married and had a child together makes all the difference to how I am treated by the British justice system. My ex managed to get an application for shared care granted and I’m now concerned about his bullying and controlling behaviour that manifests in his parenting.If the government wants to take domestic violence seriously, it needs to prove its commitment not only by bringing in new criminal laws, but by considering how existing laws and services can be improved to provide better support for women and children.(theguardian.com)Bakudaily.Az